The Girl :
This is the story of a girl. She is no ordinary female, however. She is, at first glance, the most beautiful and attractive girl you will have ever met in your life. She has every trait a man could want. She has a magnificent body, a wonderful personality, an unbeatable sense of humor, a kind heart, and she is extremely intelligent.
There is but one way to make this girl yours, and you must follow these instructions exactly. It may seem a simple task, but it is far more treacherous than any tall, anorexic man with a complexion condition you may ever come to face in the woods or any pale faced, 17 year old Joker fanatic you could ever have the privilege of seeing at the foot of your bed. No this girl is much different. There are 8 steps you must follow precisely to make this girl yours, so precisely in fact that I would advise you to take this with you when attempting the trial.
1. Make sure its her. You don’t want to be performing some mystical trials you found on the internet to some random chick you thought was hot. She often roams outside flower shops, jewelry stores, and beauty salons, mocking those earthly and mortal possessions that will never be as valuable or fair as she. This girl will appear as I stated before. She changes with every man (or woman). To whomever she meets, she will be the most attractive person that individual could ever dream of. Upon approaching said woman, even her age will change to match the exact date, hour, and second of your own. Aphrodite herself wields no chance of competition. She will be wearing, regardless of the season, a light blue loose long sleeve shirt. She will have on black skinny jeans. The clothing does not have a brand. She is wearing two diamond earrings and a bracelet with several colored, pearl cubes on the loop. Every cube is a different color.
2. Approach her confidently. This is crucial, and I don’t mean that as in YOU’LL FRICKIN DIE IF YOU DON’T, but she may wave you off. All women like a confident man, especially the perfect one. When you get to her, provided that you look confident (not douche bag confident but enough), she will simply look at you and await your first words. You must utter this sentence exactly. “I have come to earn the perfect partner. Does she accept my trial?” If she does she will simply state “The trial has been accepted. It shall begin at [local restaurant name] at 8:00 PM.” If she does not she’ll just reject you. If you are rejected, you will never see this girl waiting outside any store ever again. She will leave your life completely, because although you thought you had chosen to interact with her, it was really she who had chosen you. You will, in turn, spend the rest of your life seeing every other girl as nowhere in comparison. You will live an existence of regret, depression, and self-destruction.
3. First date. You must arrive at the restaurant by 8:00 PM or you will never see her again. Don’t worry about reservations or anything. They are already placed. When you see her, be casual, confident, and friendly. It wouldn’t hurt to look good either. Don’t worry about the mystical talk anymore. Everything from now on will be as if she was just a normal date aside from a few exceptions later on. Be casual, funny, considerate, happy, and charming. Have fun, but above all, DO NOT MAKE HER SAD. To know how to get around this ask her “What elements of this world bring your soul pain?” She will list you everything that makes her unhappy, angry, sad, depressed, and just plain not happy. For the next nine dates you will need to know these. Feel free to list them as she tells you. It is crucial you don’t make her upset. If you do AT ANY POINT skip to the end.
4. You will have set up a second date by the end of the first one. If you didn’t then you have the wrong mythical girl, because this one will have set a second date. Do the same as the first. Just have fun. You may have noticed by now that she never seems to smile. She may smirk, but she never smiles. She even seems to laugh without smiling. This comes into play later. After the date is when things are at a make or break spot. She will tell you this “The time is right. Commit me”. She will then walk away as if nothing happened. Do not follow her. You must get back to your living quarters (house, condo, apartment, mansion, box ‘o’ shit, whatever you live in) as quickly as possible. When you get inside you will find a book and a vial full of clear liquid. Take these to a window where the moon is visible. Open the book. It will be full of pictures of the girl. in every photo she will look sad and depressed. if you look closely you should see small pearl trinkets, much like the ones on her bracelet, sitting next to her in the pictures. At the back of the book will be a photograph of the girl wearing what she was on the day you first talked to her. She will look neutral. Not sad nor happy, but neutral. Open the vial of the clear liquid. On that picture, drop one drop of the liquid from your fingertip onto where the girl’s heart is. Then take another drop and place it on your chest where your heart is. You must then douse the window with the rest of the liquid while the moon shines trough. Make a circle with the liquid with the moon at the center and stand in front of it. You must then say “I commit myself to the perfection and the perfection to me. Let the bond commence.” A single beam of moonlight will shoot through your window and hit you in the chest. As you fall backwards you may feel a slight sting as the liquid drop literally absorbs into your heart. The liquid on the picture will also absorb. If you go back to the picture now, you will notice that you are standing beside her in some generic cute couple pose. She will still seem neutral, but as long as you complete Step 5, that will not stay for long.
5. You will receive a call on your cell phone some time in the next week (if you don’t own a cell phone you’ll be shocked to notice that you do now). It will be her. Her contact will be listed as whatever name you find most desirable. The number she calls you from will be “1″. That’s it. She will ask if she can come over and watch a movie. Obviously you say yes. When she arrives, you will be greeted upon opening your door with a smile. A smile that could stop time, level mountains, extinguish the sun, set Antarctica on fire, end civilizations, and create world peace all in the same day. it will be the most beautiful smile you will have ever seen. Your soul will be filled with so much happiness that you will feel faint or intoxicated. You yourself will not be able to stop smiling in return. You will, to put in simple terms, absolutely love her. Eventually this will be interrupted by four simple words. “Can I come in?” You then go about watching the movie. Maybe make some snacks. At the end of the movie, she will get up and go for the door. Before she leaves, ask her “Was the bond accepted?” She will turn around, wrap her arms around your neck, and give you the biggest, deepest, and longest kiss you have ever experienced and will ever experience. When she lets go, she will leave. Feel free to pass out now from ecstasy.
6. Continue dating. That is the only objective right now. Remember to NOT MAKE HER SAD. This includes even insinuating sex. Until you have completed Step 8 you must always watch what you say or do. If you have EVEN ONCE skip to the end. She will begin to look different every time you see her. Her clothes will never wear as well the next day. Her hair will also fall different every time you see her. She will also never run out of things to tell you or discuss. Just go along with this step until the 30th day you’ve been together.
7. It is day 30. Upon arriving to your set date, you will notice something. The girl you once loved is now wretched and ugly, almost like a corpse. Her eyes are sunk back in her protruding forehead. Her skin sags from every inch of her body. She is grey. Her skin flakes off. Her hair is white wherever there isn’t a bald spot. Her frame is bony and hideous. You must complete this date as though nothing has changed. Love her as if she looked the same. If you upset her or have upset her skip to the end. It is the “True Love” trial. Get passed the looks and find her beautiful anyway by the end of the date, and you will be fine. When you take her outside after the date, you must kiss her once for at least 3 seconds on the lips. Her skin will then fall away revealing the girl you saw on the first day, beautiful as ever and beaming at you as she stares into your eyes. Feel free to the kiss her as passionately and as long as you want under the full moon (it will be full).
8. The final day in your test has arrived. You will know because you will awake and your heart will be glowing. Literally glowing through your chest (you’re not Iron Man don’t get excited). She will call you on your cell and say “Now is the time of reckoning. Are you prepared?” At this point, if you answer “Yes” things will proceed. If you say “No” then you will never see her or hear from her again. She will arrive at your house on the beginning of the next hour. She will enter and head straight to the bedroom (before you ask, yes this is exactly what it sounds like). Follow her. She will undress. You should follow. Then get down to business. When you both are done, the glow in your chests will become extreme, knocking you both out. When you awake, you will be infatuated with the girl, and she with you. This will wear off slightly after about a month, but you will always remain in the “honeymoon phase”. You can now say whatever you like. She is yours and you hers. Enjoy your life.
IF YOU MADE HER SAD BEFORE STEP 8:
Get to your home as quickly as possible. If you haven’t put the liquid in your chest yet then you need only burn the book that is laying on the table. if you have then this is where it gets tricky. You have to stab yourself in the heart. Literally breaking your heart will disable the bond. You must also burn the book with the pictures in it. Keep the blade in the wound to keep from bleeding to death and call 911. If you fail to burn the book (and break your heart if needed) within one hour, the girl will break down your door. Her hair will be jet black, along with her eyes and finger nails. She will be wearing nothing. She will begin to weep at your door frame. As the tears hit the ground they will engorge, transforming into streams of water, filling your house. The stream will burst into a river, sweeping you off your feet and bursting your lungs and stomach as the water floods your esophagus. As the waters consume you, your body will dissolve into them. When you are completely gone, the waters will recede back to the being at your door and slowly center at one spot next to her foot. When all of the water is finally gone, a small pearl trinket of unique color will be lying on the ground next to the girl. The next time a man sees this girl, she will have a new set to her collection, and the next time he goes in the book to seal the bond, there will be another picture of the sad girl standing next to the trinket.